


Why wouldn’t I be?

by vorize



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Denial of Feelings, Depressed Number Five | The Boy (Umbrella Academy), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Five can’t stop blaming himself, Good Sibling Luther Hargreeves, Hurt Number Five | The Boy, Klaus Hargreeves Needs A Hug, M/M, Multi, Number Five | The Boy Has Issues, Number Five | The Boy Needs A Hug, Number Five | The Boy has PTSD, Number Five | The Boy-centric, PTSD, Protective Diego Hargreeves, Protective Luther Hargreeves, but not my first fic you know what I mean, first tua fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-16
Updated: 2020-08-13
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:01:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23158216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vorize/pseuds/vorize
Summary: Five was fine, he just saw things that weren’t there anymore, couldn’t stand people touching him in a gentle manner or deal with people kindness in any way. But he’ll get over it alone, he always does.OrThe one where Five is the best liar ever, especially when it comes to himself.
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy & Allison Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Ben Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Diego Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Klaus Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Luther Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Reginald Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Vanya Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy (Umbrella Academy) & Everyone
Comments: 8
Kudos: 228





	1. Chapter One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> english isn’t my first language so If you see any mistakes, don’t hesitate to tell me! 
> 
> enjoy :)

Of course he was okay,  _why wouldn’t he be?_

Ever since they were little, his siblings couldn’t help but being scared for him, and now that they were all grown up (at least their bodies) it just gotten worse. Five may be trapped in his young self, but a total different man reside inside. He’d done so much things, back when he was working for the Commission, tricked people, hurted people,  _ killed _ people. He liked to say it was for the good of the human race, the stability of the world, but everytime he would press the trigger, he couldn’t help but picturing himself at the end of the shot.  _ He was fine _ . He always was, no matter what. Compared to the apocalypse he lived in for 45 years, everything was easy to deal with. But sometimes, he wished he would be himself again, his young self, his  _ valid _ self. Five wasn't stupid, he knew the solitude and isolation caused damaged to his brain, but it definitely wasn't that bad, he'll take care of it later anyway.

He didn't want the pity of his siblings, he wanted their respects, and with them being overprotective just because he's technically 13 years old, doesn't do it well for him. "Why are you asking me that? Don't pretend to care Diego, it'll just make you seems even more of an idiot" Klaus and Diego exchanged a look, and glanced again at Five with a determined face. "I'm not pretending and you know it, so stop being a brat about it and tell us what's going on. You don't have to carry the world on your fucking shoulders" This time, Five frowned at him, and huffed. "Nothing's going on, and even if there was something, I could handle it myself, obviously" "We know, it's just not the best thing to do. You can talk to us Five, it's okay" Klaus said. His features were full of concern and  care , it made Five want to straight up vomit. "Save it. I'm fine, you should be the one we're concerned for. Maybe the others were too blind to notice it but I did Klaus, I know you're falling for drugs all over again" He turned his look back to Diego "And you.. Stop hiding behind your false bravado and assume you're just trying to prove yourself something and don't give a fuck about the lifes you take and rescue. Also, if you haven't noticed already you killed way more people than you saved" Both were shocked by the statements Five made, they stopped pushing about his mental state, actually they stopped talking at all.  _Good_.

After that, Five decided to go in his room, he didn’t have a special reason, he just wanted to. Once he teleported there, he saw that everything was at the same place as the day he lost himself in a future reality. It was somewhat comforting to see not everything about him had changed. But why after all this time nobody would have cleaned his room? Maybe the others told Grace not to, because they believed he would’ve come back real soon. But here he is, practically 16 years later in the same body he used to have back then. Five could almost believe he was back to this period, where nothing was easy but at least bearable. He turned his head and saw his reflection in the mirror, he blenched and his heart started pounding. Five turned his look, finding his wall really interesting at the moment, and calmed his breathing. He’s _fine_. Five sat on his bed and gripped the sheets so hard his knuckles turned white. His eyes closed slowly, trying to forget about the image of himself in the reflexion but all he could see was a world in ruin, on fire. He shaked his head, this wasn’t real, he was back and he’ll save everyone. “ _But who’s supposed to save the savior?_ ” Delores spoke, and everything felt so wrong, like her voice could bring him back to the apocalypse. "I’m not a savior, Delores I’m everything but a savior" and it was true, he blamed Diego for his mistakes but he did the same, he killed so many people, too _much_. 

A knock on the door took him out of his trance, he regained his composure and told the person behind it to enter. It was Klaus. "To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit?" He didn’t answered, yet he stared at Five with a look he don’t usually wear, it made the currently 13 years old boy a little disconcerted. "Bro I know you’re supposed to be a master assassin or some shit but you’re terrible at lying" It tooked him of guard, but just for a moment. "I– Why would I be bad at something I’m not doing Klaus?" He scoffed. "We’re not that stupid, even if that’s what you think, at least about me" "Stop being a drama queen, we both know you’re an imbecile half the time" Klaus leaned into the door and almost fell when it opened further "Fair point, but seriously tho, you just came back after a decade and more of being missing and you straight up talked shit about us like we fucking didn’t have to grow up without you" And that, made something in Five ache, he’s right, he didn’t even talk about the real problem: the apocalypse coming in 8 days. But why haven’t he? "It’s complicated, I have to take care of it myself before I say anything to you" Klaus raised his eyebrows "That’s all you’re telling me?" "What did you expect? For me to have a breakdown in front of you and say I broke up with my girlfriend or something? Never gonna happen" Five flinched when he walked towards him. Please don’t notice, please don’t notice. The look Klaus gave him was talking for itself.

"Please, stop lying to me. I know something’s wrong. You don’t have to keep everything inside of you, you can tell me and if you want, it can be only between us. But I’m begging you, stop lying, we both know you’re not okay" He glanced at his feet whose were hanging in the air due to his height when he sat on his bed. He can’t do this, it’s too much, god he wish he could just drop it. "Fuck you" Klaus made a face "Excuse me?" That’s the only way. I’m sorry. "I said fuck you Klaus, mind your own business I bet you have plenty of things to think about, now go get yourself high once again. We both know you crave it" snarled Five. His brother laughed, he fucking  _ laughed _ . " Honestly, it would have worked with Diego, but me? Seriously Five you can do better than that" He’s screwed, he had no ideas in mind to get away from this. This time he restrained himself from moving when Klaus sat alongside him. When his hand settle on his shoulder however, he moved as far away from him as possible, his back to the headboard. 

Five breathing was uneven, a drop of sweat fell from his forehead. And those fucking eyes of his, fear and  pity  on them. He wanted to throw up and he will very soon. Klaus had his hand over his mouth, a shocked expression filling his features. "Five.." He couldn’t look at him anymore, it was so hard, there was way too much gentleness in him, directed to himself. "Get out" "Oh my god, I’m so sorry honey, I’m so fucking sorry" He wanted to cry now, he’ll never cry in front of people, It’ll show his vulnerability, and he couldn’t deal with that. "Please just– leave me alone Klaus" He stood up and went for the door "You can tell us all the bullshit you want, but that’s some serious trauma right here Five, and I will never let you being drown by it. Never, I promise" his hands were shaking so much now, and he was shivering all over. "Don’t tell anybody, keep it for you– and I’ll explain all of it when I’m ready, but for the love of god don’t tell the others" Klaus nodded and gave him a smile of compassion. When he couldn’t hear the footsteps of his brother, he threw up on the floor. He don’t think he’s fine anymore.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the wait! (if people actually waited for the update lol)  
> enjoy! and again if you see any spelling mistakes feel free to tell me :)

It wasn’t going to be a good day. Five figured it out when he woke up of his one hour night on the wooden floor of his room. His neck was killing him from the position he was in, not to mention his face was full of marks due to the pattern on the floor. His vomit from yesterday was cleaned, probably by Grace, hopefully she’ll not ask about it. People always complain about not having enough sleep, when it’s the last thing Five wants to get. Just one hour of it and yet, it’s enough for him to get him sweaty all over, a feeling of dread sliding all the way down his spine, constantly warning him that something horrible is going to happen. Sleep isn’t soothing, the place where your go because of it is so  _ personal  _ that it hit just the right spots to make you feel horrible about yourself, but it’s your mind after all, it knows everything about you, and what you’ve done, it creates a straight up personalized hell. Five is opening his eyes now, the brightness coming from his window blinding him a little at first, forcing him to place his right hand to cover up the sun. He wasn’t supposed to sleep, but guess the time travel got him even more tired than he already was, which sucks. Now he’ll be good for another 6 days with this substantial amount of rest, if you can say it that way. 

"Five, it’s time for breakfast honey" Grace said, coming out of nowhere, or maybe he wasn’t paying attention. Eating wasn’t really the first thing coming to his mind at the moment, but the smell wandering at the end of his nostrils got him up from the floor. "Thank you—" for some reason the word wouldn’t come out of his mouth. He felt stupid not being able to say it, it’s such a simple word, he used to say if at least one hundred times a day before. Grace gave him a confused look, sensing something was off. "Is there something that make you upset?" she told him. "No I–it’s nothing" She inclined her head, showing him that she wasn’t getting it "Thank you– Mom" Grace smiled a little at that, then she headed back to the kitchen, Five followed not finding the will to warp into the room. On his way down the stairs, he tried to makes himself presentable, the purpose of it wasn’t really about his appearance but just so it wouldn’t be too suspicious. Five wasn’t really concerned about being confronted to his siblings at breakfast, they most likely wouldn’t be anyone, except maybe for Luther, but he was way to credulous to even comprehend if someone was happy or mad, so he wasn’t too worried about it. 

Of course everyone had to be there the one time he didn’t wanted. Grace entered the room with a bright smile on, and went to the heating plates, while Diego followed her with his eyes with a little smile on his lips. Everyone were at their places, except for him, and Ben. "Your pancakes are cooling down Five, go sit with your siblings and enjoy your meal" said Mom, without looking from the eggs she was making. Everyone turned their looks towards him, apparently they didn’t noticed him right away, he warped to his place and sat down next to Diego. They didn’t start to talk again, which made everyone uncomfortable, even him.  "Looks like the age hasn’t gotten well on you, you’re not even saying good morning anymore" started Diego, apparently riled up over nothing, like usual. "Good morning" Five replied, not in the mood to search for another answer. This caught him off guard, not used to him being so passive over something.

"That was quick" said Alison, for the first time Five looked away from his dish to make eye contact with his sister. She really was beautiful, no wonder she became an actress loved by basically everyone. He returned his gaze back at his pancakes, his fork in his right hand. Grace had made a smiling face on it with blueberries. This sight was way too familiar, the Handler used to give those for him when he’d came back from an assignement. And just like that his hand began to shake, just the slightest. "I’m not hungry". All of them were glancing at each other, talking through their eyes. It made him annoyed. "What is it with all of you? Return to your conversations already" snapped Five, tired of all this fuss about him. 

"It’s just– we’re concerned about you Five, you came back yesterday out of nowhere and it’s already a lot for us, but you came back looking like you just left but you’re so different than before, did something happened back there?" stated Vanya, with her quiet angelic voice.  _ Different _ . Of course he was, he’s not thirteen anymore, he already lived his life, if you can call it that. Five was alone by his own mistake for 40 years in the apocalypse, without all the people he cared about, and was recruited as an assassin for five years at the Commission to kill innocent people out of cold blood. If he wasn’t different it would have concerned him more. But the fact all of this wasn’t the worse of it all give him a tight throat. Once again all their eyes on him full of care and confusion made his head spin, it’s too soon. He isn’t ready for that kind of discussion yet, he’s sure he’ll avoid the apocalypse without telling them. It’ll be better if they don’t know, he’ll bare it so they don’t have to. "I guess it’s the age" finished Five, as he warped away from the table.


End file.
